I've never had a good answer to the question of why I need to run ultra distances. Even some runners I know, who've run multiple marathons question why it is that I need to push myself to run beyond 26.2 miles. Why do I need to run 50K or 50 miles (current goal), or 100K (hopefully, one day!)? I won't say 100 miles yet. I'm not sure I can handle the sleep deprivation.
I sometimes think that I'm doing it because I'm a parent and I want to set an example for my kids. However, at least with my oldest son, he just shakes his head and says, "Crazy Mommy", when I come back from a long run. He doesn't understand why I need to train for ultra long distances. I think my middle son is more impressed and he's definitely excited for the possibility of me running 50 miles this year. He's asked me more than once since the lottery drawing for Mt Hood 50M if I've gotten off of the wait list and into the race yet. He enjoys running though, so I think he can relate to my feelings of wanting to train and run races. My daughter doesn't really ask questions. I think she's impressed, but generally does not like the discomfort of running. When I really think about it, I don't think I'm running for my kids. In an alternate universe, if I didn't have kids, I'd still be a runner.
Digging deeper, I think that I'm still trying to prove to myself that I'm an athlete. I wasn't the healthiest kid growing up. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, struggling to breathe. Asthma attacks were a pretty regular occurrence and I still remember my poor Mom and Dad up with me in the middle of the night, my Dad's ear against my chest listening for wheezing. Taking puffs from an inhaler until my inflamed lungs calmed down. Treatment for asthma in the form of steroids really messed up my sleep. I'd lay awake for hours staring at the wallpaper in my room, making patterns, counting the flowers until I'd finally fall asleep. The next day, I'd wake up groggy for school or summer camp, not really being able to function, dreaming of afternoon naps. So sports were out of the question. Running? Wasn't going to happen.
Fast forward to adulthood. I finally had my asthma controlled, but I still had it. Mostly, it would be triggered by cold weather. So, I could run a little, but not in the winter time. I was still regularly taking medication, but thankful I wasn't having asthma attacks. Enter the game changer of my friend Lee's food cleanse. In the spring of 2015, I was a guinea pig for Lee's food cleanse, an idea she had for a business. I found out that I'm highly sensitive to dairy. After 2 weeks of eliminating dairy completely from my diet, I re-introduced it to be met by lots of mucus and congestion. After that, I decided to stop eating dairy. It felt like a miracle. I had a new body that could breathe freely. It was a usual thing for me to have dry patches of eczema in the same spots all over my body in the winter time. After cutting dairy out, those dry patches never reappeared. Gradually, I stopped taking asthma medication. Running in cold weather took awhile. I was still a wimp and didn't feel the need to start running in cold weather. However, with inspiration from people like Rich Roll and David Goggins, the will to test myself and to test this new body finally overcame the mental hurdle of putting myself in uncomfortable situations. 2017 was the first year that I ran through the entire winter- snow, ice, frigid temps couldn't stop me.
So I think that brings me to the real "why"? Mental toughness. Getting comfortable with discomfort. I feel strong when I run and train because I don't let anything get in the way of my training. There are no excuses. As long as I'm healthy, I will get out for a run, no matter the conditions. Having a goal, either self-curated or externally in the form of a race definitely helps to motivate me to train, but 2020 has shown me that I really don't NEED those things. I would still be out there pushing myself even without the external pressures. I know I'm still not as hard core as some folks. I'm not running around in shorts and shirtless in 20F weather (shout out to local Blues Lill). I'm not Goggins running around with a heart defect and broken bones in his feet. But I do feel tough and I purposefully put myself in tough situations so that I keep building on that mental toughness. The physical part is also hard for me, of course. I am not a naturally gifted runner. I started off really slow and maybe that will continue to improve over time as I get stronger, but even if it didn't, I'd still be out there.
If you're reading this, I would encourage you to ask yourself "why"? Ask yourself that question a few times to really get to the heart of why it is that you want to be a runner. External motivation is great, but if you want to be a runner for the rest of your life, you need that internal voice telling you why you need to get out there, even if it's cold and pouring sideways rain out there. Running is inherently hard and you need to be patient to see improvements. It's so easy to go back to your electronics, your work, your family. And I'm not saying any of those things are not worth spending time on. But, at least for me, I need to keep pushing the limits to see what I'm capable of. I've come such a long way from that skinny, asthmatic, itchy, self-conscious kid. Running is my super power. I'm not sure who said this first, but I love pondering that most people overestimate what they can accomplish in a day and underestimate what they can accomplish in a year. I am patient and I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do this year and beyond.
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